We’ve got this gift of love, but love is like a precious plant. You can’t just accept it and leave it in the cupboard or just think it’s going to get on by itself. You’ve got to keep watering it. You’ve got to really look after it and nurture it.
Being in a dedicated relationship with another human being is one of the greatest gifts of being alive — and it can pose one of the greatest challenges of our existence. Being together for a long time means accepting and supporting each other, growing with each other, and allowing the relationship to change as each of the partners and the circumstances around the relationship change, too. Children, job changes, illness, and even just getting older, finding new interests, or adding life experiences to our inner repertoire — all of these things impact on a relationship.
As in so many other areas of life, knowledge and understanding are the best antidotes to the frustrations and misunderstandings that can shape our lives. In the case of relationships, the understanding, knowledge, and insights we need to gain are not only regarding our own patterns, history, and triggers but also those of our partners; and we need to learn how the life patterns that each of us brings into the relationship combine into the unique expression of “us” or “we” that is our relationship.
The difficulty in understanding these patterns usually lies in finding the time and space to truly listen to the other, to enquire deeper into the outward expressions we see in our lives together, and to connect their experience and behaviour to our own experiences and behaviours. This is where the kind of relationship work I offer can be helpful.
For a couple of hours a week, you will have an opportunity to focus on your relationship outside the ongoing demands of everyday life. I strive to hold a safe and open space in which each of you can explore and explain the struggles they have with themselves or with the other. During biographical relationship work sessions, you will have the opportunity to…
- discover the core reasons for the triggers and behaviours that show up in your relationship through exploration of each of your biographies
- look at how each of your patterns are supported and healed by the other
- consider possible deeper connections between you and your partner in regards to destiny, subconscious agreements, etc.
- find ways to speak in such a way that the other can hear you and to listen in such a way that you can hear the other
- understand your relationship in the context of the bigger picture of your lives, your cultures, your past and future
- understand relationship challenges in the context of the overall archetype of biographical cycles
Generally, relationship therapy is designed to work on the deep issues of the relationship together. In my experience, we need to know and understand the roots of the triggers in us in order to bring a different and more healing energy to our relationships.
Biographical Relationship Work is not about learning fair fighting rules or exploring how to reconnect in sexual intimacy. It is about opening up to each other on the soul level, that level that holds our memories, our hopes, and dreams, fears, and anger. It is about allowing ourselves to be vulnerable to the other — and to ourselves — and sharing how we experience life within ourselves. By doing this, we allow the other and ourselves to understand our relationship on a deeper level. Being vulnerable we allow for true emotional intimacy to occur. Being respectful and open to the vulnerability of the other allows us to see the other and our relationship from a different perspective. Oftentimes it also allows us to remember and reconnect to the reasons we fell in love in the first place.
Some think love can be measured by the amount of butterflies in their tummy. Others think love can be measured in bunches of flowers, or by using the words ‘for ever.’ But love can only truly be measured by actions. It can be a small thing, such as peeling an orange for a person you love because you know they don’t like doing it.
Biographical Relationship Work begins with a facilitated process of exploring the individual biographies of both partners, as well as the common biography of the relationship. This process takes seven sessions (some exceptions may apply). It is recommended that these first seven two-hour sessions are scheduled no longer than three weeks apart from each other. Bi-weekly meetings would be optimal.
After the initial process has been completed, additional sessions – for example, in order to work through specific issues within the relationship – can be scheduled as needed.
Relationship sessions are typically two hours in length. Shorter sessions (minimum 1 1/2 hours) can be booked for as-needed sessions. Biographical Relationship Work is conducted in person at the office in Cookstown only.
Please note: I do not work with couples who are in a pattern of active fighting, or who are trying to decide if they want to stay together: relationship therapy is more appropriate in those cases, and I would be happy to refer you to qualified colleagues.